There, that is one of the entries I wouldn't
want my descendants to read in this journal. But it is the humiliating
truth; and perhaps it's just as well that thought did come or I might
have been tricked by pity and remorse into giving him some rash
assurance. If Fred's nose were as handsome as his eyes and mouth some
such thing might have happened. And then what an unthinkable predicament
I should have been in!
"When poor Fred became convinced that I couldn't promise him, he behaved
beautifully--though that rather made things worse. If he had been nasty
about it I wouldn't have felt so heartbroken and remorseful--though why
I should feel remorseful I don't know, for I never encouraged Fred to
think I cared a bit about him. Yet feel remorseful I did--and do. If
Fred Arnold never comes back from overseas, this will haunt me all my
life.
"Then Fred said if he couldn't take my love with him to the trenches at
least he wanted to feel that he had my friendship, and would I kiss him
just once in good-bye before he went--perhaps for ever?
"I don't know how I could ever had imagined that love affairs were
delightful, interesting things. They are horrible. I couldn't even give
poor heartbroken Fred one little kiss, because of my promise to Ken. It
seemed so brutal. I had to tell Fred that of course he would have my
friendship, but that I couldn't kiss him because I had promised somebody
else I wouldn't.
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