So she rested in the old playground, unconscious that
she had been following her mother's footsteps, or that fate had again
brought her here for a great decision. Years before, the miserable,
suffering woman, who had wearily come to this place to end their
lives, had turned away that the child might make her own choice
between the good and evil things of life. Though Nan told herself that
she must make it plain how she could spend her time in Oldfields to
good purpose and be of most use at home, and must get a new strength
for these duties, a decision suddenly presented itself to her with a
force of reason and necessity the old dream of it had never shown. Why
should it not be a reality that she studied medicine?
The thought entirely possessed her, and the glow of excitement and
enthusiasm made her spring from the cedar boughs and laugh aloud. Her
whole heart went out to this work, and she wondered why she had ever
lost sight of it. She was sure this was the way in which she could
find most happiness. God had directed her at last, and though the
opening of her sealed orders had been long delayed, the suspense had
only made her surer that she must hold fast this unspeakably great
motive: something to work for with all her might as long as she lived.
People might laugh or object. Nothing should turn her aside, and a new
affection for kind and patient Dr. Leslie filled her mind. How eager
he had been to help her in all her projects so far, and yet it was
asking a great deal that he should favor this; he had never seemed to
show any suspicion that she would not live on quietly at home like
other girls; but while Nan told herself that she would give up any
plan, even this, if he could convince her that it would be wrong,
still her former existence seemed like a fog and uncertainty of death,
from which she had turned away, this time of her own accord, toward a
great light of satisfaction and certain safety and helpfulness.
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