He
was ashamed to sit down with them, for he felt degraded. His father
asked him, as usual, whether the date of the confirmation had been
fixed. Theodore did not know. He touched no food, pretending that he
was not well; the truth was that he did not dare to eat any supper. He
went into his bedroom and read an essay by Schartau which the minister
had lent him. The subject was the vanity of reason. And here, just
here, where all his hopes of arriving at a clear understanding were
centred, the light failed. Reason which he had dared to hope would
some day guide him out of the darkness into the light, reason, too,
was sin; the greatest of all sins, for it questioned God's very
existence, tried to understand what was not meant to be understood.
Why _it_ was not meant to be understood, was not explained; probably
it was because if _it_ had been understood the fraud would have been
discovered.
He rebelled no longer, but surrendered himself. Before going to bed he
read two _Morning Voices_ from Arndt, recited the Creed, the Lord's
Prayer and the Blessing. He felt very hungry; a fact which he realised
with a certain spiteful pleasure, for it seemed to him that his enemy
was suffering.
With these thoughts he fell asleep.
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