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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

(They go towards the window, and are met by
Valentine, who comes in from the garden walking quickly, with his face
set and sulky.)
VALENTINE (stiffly). Excuse me. I thought the party had quite
broken up.
GLORIA (nagging). Then why did you come back?
VALENTINE. I came back because I am penniless. I can't get out that
way without a five shilling ticket.
MRS. CLANDON. Has anything annoyed you, Mr. Valentine?
GLORIA. Never mind him, mother. This is a fresh insult to me: that
is all.
MRS. CLANDON (hardly able to realize that Gloria is deliberately
provoking an altercation). Gloria!
VALENTINE. Mrs. Clandon: have I said anything insulting? Have I
done anything insulting?
GLORIA. you have implied that my past has been like yours. That is
the worst of insults.
VALENTINE. I imply nothing of the sort. I declare that my past has
been blameless in comparison with yours.
MRS. CLANDON (most indignantly). Mr. Valentine!
VALENTINE. Well, what am I to think when I learn that Miss Clandon
has made exactly the same speeches to other men that she has made to
me---when I hear of at least five former lovers, with a tame naval
lieutenant thrown in? Oh, it's too bad.
MRS. CLANDON. But you surely do not believe that these affairs---
mere jokes of the children's---were serious, Mr.


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