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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

(Allowing the
waiter to put the domino on his shoulders.) You can do nothing but make
a friendly arrangement. If you want your family more than they want
you, you'll get the worse of the arrangement: if they want you more than
you want them, you'll get the better of it. (He shakes the domino into
becoming folds and takes up the false nose. Dolly gazes admiringly at
him.) The strength of their position lies in their being very agreeable
people personally. The strength of your position lies in your income.
(He claps on the false nose, and is again grotesquely transfigured.)
DOLLY (running to him). Oh, now you look quite like a human being.
Mayn't I have just one dance with you? C a n you dance? (Phil,
resuming his part of harlequin, waves his hat as if casting a spell on
them.)
BOHUN (thunderously). Yes: you think I can't; but I can. Come
along. (He seizes her and dances off with her through the window in a
most powerful manner, but with studied propriety and grace. The waiter
is meanwhile busy putting the chairs back in their customary places.)
PHILIP. "On with the dance: let joy be unconfined." William!
WAITER. Yes, sir.
PHILIP. Can you procure a couple of dominos and false noses for my
father and Mr. McComas?
McCOMAS. Most certainly not. I protest---
CRAMPTON. No, no.


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