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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

You did. (To the waiter, who is going out.) Just
wait a bit.
WAITER. Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. (He takes his stand behind
Bohun's chair.)
MRS. CLANDON (to the waiter). You don't mind our detaining you, I
hope. Mr. Bohun wishes it.
WAITER (now quite at his ease). Oh, no, ma'am, not at all, ma'am.
It is a pleasure to me to watch the working of his trained and powerful
mind---very stimulating, very entertaining and instructive indeed,
ma'am.
BOHUN (resuming command of the proceedings). Now, Mr. Crampton: we
are waiting for you. Do you give up your objection to the dressing, or
do you stick to it?
CRAMPTON (pleading). Mr. Bohun: consider my position for a moment.
I haven't got myself alone to consider: there's my sister Sophronia and
my brother-in-law and all their circle. They have a great horror of
anything that is at all---at all---well---
BOHUN. Out with it. Fast? Loud? Gay?
CRAMPTON. Not in any unprincipled sense of course; but---but---
(blurting it out desperately) those two children would shock them.
They're not fit to mix with their own people. That's what I complain
of.
MRS. CLANDON (with suppressed impatience). Mr. Valentine: do you
think there is anything fast or loud about Phil and Dolly?
VALENTINE. Certainly not. It's utter bosh. Nothing can be in
better taste.


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