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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

Never mind my being the
gentleman's father, ma'am: it is only the accident of birth after all,
ma'am. (He gets up feebly.) You'll all excuse me, I'm sure, having
interrupted your business. (He begins to make his way along the table,
supporting himself from chair to chair, with his eye on the door.)
BOHUN. One moment. (The waiter stops, with a sinking heart.) My
father was a witness of what passed to-day, was he not, Mrs. Clandon?
MRS. CLANDON. Yes, most of it, I think.
BOHUN. In that case we shall want him.
WAITER (pleading). I hope it may not be necessary, sir. Busy
evening for me, sir, with that ball: very busy evening indeed, sir.
BOHUN (inexorably). We shall want you.
MRS. CLANDON (politely). Sit down, won't you?
WAITER (earnestly). Oh, if you please, ma'am, I really must draw the
line at sitting down. I couldn't let myself be seen doing such a thing,
ma'am: thank you, I am sure, all the same. (He looks round from face to
face wretchedly, with an expression that would melt a heart of stone.)
GLORIA. Don't let us waste time. William only wants to go on taking
care of us. I should like a cup of coffee.
WAITER (brightening perceptibly). Coffee, miss? (He gives a little
gasp of hope.) Certainly, miss. Thank you, miss: very timely, miss,
very thoughtful and considerate indeed.


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