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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

But what did you do that for?
DOLLY. Five shillings extra.
McCOMAS (to Dolly, short-temperedly). I must really ask you, Miss
Clandon, not to interrupt this very serious conversation with irrelevant
interjections. (Vehemently.) I insist on having earnest matters
earnestly and reverently discussed. (This outburst produces an
apologetic silence, and puts McComas himself out of countenance. He
coughs, and starts afresh, addressing himself to Gloria.) Miss Clandon:
it is my duty to tell you that your father has also persuaded himself
that Mr. Valentine wishes to marry you---
VALENTINE (interposing adroitly). I do.
McCOMAS (offended). In that case, sir, you must not be surprised to
find yourself regarded by the young lady's father as a fortune hunter.
VALENTINE. So I am. Do you expect my wife to live on what I earn?
ten-pence a week!
McCOMAS (revolted). I have nothing more to say, sir. I shall return
and tell Mr. Crampton that this family is no place for a father. (He
makes for the door.)
MRS. CLANDON (with quiet authority). Finch! (He halts.) If Mr.
Valentine cannot be serious, you can. Sit down. (McComas, after a
brief struggle between his dignity and his friendship, succumbs, seating
himself this time midway between Dolly and Mrs. Clandon.) You know that
all this is a made up case---that Fergus does not believe in it any more
than you do.


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