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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

Crampton. (He takes a couple of chairs and sets one at each
end of the tea table.)
GLORIA (looking round with an impulse of terror). And the other
gentleman?
WAITER (reassuringly, as he unconsciously drops for a moment into the
measure of "I've been roaming," which he sang as a boy.) Oh, he's
coming, miss, he's coming. He has been rowing the boat, miss, and has
just run down the road to the chemist's for something to put on the
blisters. But he will be here directly, miss---directly. (Gloria, in
ungovernable apprehension, rises and hurries towards the door.)
MRS. CLANDON. (half rising). Glo--- (Gloria goes out. Mrs. Clandon
looks perplexedly at the waiter, whose composure is unruffled.)
WAITER (cheerfully). Anything more, ma'am?
MRS. CLANDON. Nothing, thank you.
WAITER. Thank you, ma'am. (As he withdraws, Phil and Dolly, in the
highest spirits, come tearing in. He holds the door open for them; then
goes out and closes it.)
DOLLY (ravenously). Oh, give me some tea. (Mrs. Clandon pours out a
cup for her.) We've been out in a boat. Valentine will be here
presently.
PHILIP. He is unaccustomed to navigation. Where's Gloria?
MRS. CLANDON (anxiously, as she pours out his tea). Phil: there is
something the matter with Gloria. Has anything happened? (Phil and
Dolly look at one another and stifle a laugh.


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