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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"You Never Can Tell"

CLANDON (remonstrating). Dearest: Mr. McComas will lunch with
us.
DOLLY. Have you ordered for seven? Don't forget the old gentleman.
MRS. CLANDON. I have not forgotten him, dear. What is his name?
DOLLY. Chalkstones. He'll be here at half past one. (To McComas.)
Are we like what you expected?
MRS. CLANDON (changing her tone to a more earnest one). Dolly: Mr.
McComas has something more serious than that to tell you. Children: I
have asked my old friend to answer the question you asked this morning.
He is your father's friend as well as mine: and he will tell you the
story more fairly than I could. (Turning her head from them to Gloria.)
Gloria: are you satisfied?
GLORIA (gravely attentive). Mr. McComas is very kind.
McCOMAS (nervously). Not at all, my dear young lady: not at all. At
the same time, this is rather sudden. I was hardly prepared---er---
DOLLY (suspiciously). Oh, we don't want anything prepared.
PHILIP (exhorting him). Tell us the truth.
DOLLY (emphatically). Bald headed.
McCOMAS (nettled). I hope you intend to take what I have to say
seriously.
PHILIP (with profound mock gravity). I hope it will deserve it, Mr.
McComas. My knowledge of human nature teaches me not to expect too
much.
MRS. CLANDON (remonstrating). Phil---
PHILIP. Yes, mother, all right.


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