I told him if he wanted to give it away, that it should,
I thought, properly go to Miss A.--to whom, by the way, I gave that
beautiful pin. I cannot wear anything that was Henry's, and this would
be one objection to wearing this watch. Mr. Windsor said it certainly
was never intended for Ida; that it had never been Henry's, that it
was mine, and I had to bring it away. I feel guilty, and as if I had
swindled or stolen, or committed some mean act; and as I hold it to my
ear, its strong beat reproaches me like the throb of a guilty heart.
"What can I do? Your feelings are right, and your judgment is good.
I can't afford to be killed with a weight of obligation, nor must I
remit or relax a single effort. This may stimulate me more. If I were
to relax and lie down now, and let another carry me, I should deserve
the scorn and contempt I have received.
"Write me upon this, and don't mention it to the Colonel.
"I have made the acquaintance of Miss Giddings, who is very kind to
me; and she and Ida furnish that essential element of ladies' society
which you desired I should have. I confess I don't care much for
men; but I have so little to give in return for the kindness of
these noble, refined and intellectual ladies, that here again I am
a receiver of alms. No matter; women never receive any proper return
from men, any way.
"Ask Ed and George to write, and tell me all the little pleasant
details of the farm life and home. How tender and sweet and dear it
all is to me; and what a gulf seems to have opened between me and all
the past!
"Ever with love, dear mother,
BART.
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