'
I followed him mechanically, for I was undergoing a mental castigation
which rather disturbed me. Indeed, like a young fool--as eager in
self-reproach as in self-glorification--I was so occupied in inwardly
calling myself hard names, that even when my host gave me a commission
for my new picture, 'The Return of Columbus,' at two hundred and fifty
pounds, together with an order to paint himself, Mrs Reay, and
half-a-dozen of their children, I confess it with shame, that I
received the news like a leaden block, and felt neither surprise nor
joy--not though these few words chased me from the gates of the Fleet,
whither I was fast hastening, and secured me both position and daily
bread. The words of that beautiful girl were still ringing in my ears,
mixed up with the bitterest self-accusations; and these together shut
out all other sound, however pleasant. But that was always my way.
I went back to London, humbled and yet strengthened, having learned
more of human nature and the value of events, in one short fortnight,
than I had ever dreamed of before. The first lessons of youth
generally come in hard shape. I had sense enough to feel that I had
learned mine gently, and that I had cause to be thankful for the
mildness of the teaching. From a boy, I became a man, judging more
accurately of humanity than a year's ordinary experience would have
enabled me to do. And the moral which I drew was this: that under our
most terrible afflictions, we may always gain some spiritual good, if
we suffer them to be softening and purifying rather than hardening
influences over us.
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